Category Archives: Humour

Robert Schmidt: Is That a Blueberry Flan?

Is that a blueberry flan? After an appointment, my wife and I decided to have a light lunch at Utzi Café at the Burnside Village. We both ordered rolls. Jane also ordered a skinny mugachino. I ordered a pot of English Breakfast tea. You are given a number for the food; and a buzzer forContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: Is That a Blueberry Flan?”

Edie Eicas: Shopping Adelaide Arcade

I like to think my humour comes from my parents, particularly my mum who had a wicked, sarcastic, confrontational sense of humour. When the kids were little, I played a lot of jokes on them, that part of me contained an element of my family’s wickedness. When the kids were in primary school, I wasContinue reading “Edie Eicas: Shopping Adelaide Arcade”

Lawrie Stanford: The Apple Story

On an aimless stroll down Rundle Mall one Sunday, I come across it—the Apple Store. Yes! I thought, I can sort out that confounded iCloud issue on my phone! So I enter. Looking around, I see a crowded hall and cheerful Apple consultants chatting to customers. In the crowd, there was a consultant waving atContinue reading “Lawrie Stanford: The Apple Story”

Robert Schmidt: What Happened to The Kia

I had agreed with Allianz to return my free Commodore car to Budget Car Rentals on Marion Road by 10am. After this date, I would pay for my own rental. On Wednesday afternoon, I contacted Alliance. They were going to contact Budget to get a cheap rental. “No worries” they say. Within minutes Budget ringsContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: What Happened to The Kia”

Robert Schmitt: The Guest of Honour

My birthday on the 24th March 2022 was planned to be low key. It was to be in the Honeypot Café at Fullarton Lutheran Homes. Only my two elderly aunties, Wilma and Lotte, cousin, Karen, sister Pauline and my wife Jane were invited. The party was set for 2.30pm. It’s only a few minute driveContinue reading “Robert Schmitt: The Guest of Honour”

Anne McKenzie: Scooter

Denise and I had been finger training our young pet budgerigar, Scooter, for several weeks. Now he stepped onto the proffered fingers quickly and confidently. Such is trust. And it was a thrill to feel his little warm feet gripping our outstretched fingers. But now the time had come to take him out of theContinue reading “Anne McKenzie: Scooter”

Robert Schmidt: Poor Robert

I rang the Fullarton Lutheran Homes for a follow-up visit with my sister Pauline. ‘That will be fine,’ the secretary says to me over the phone. ‘No RATS or appointment. Just put a mask on and then a visor when you get here.’ Half an hour later I cheerfully arrive at the front door. ThereContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: Poor Robert”

Anne McKenzie: Noodling

‘Noodling,’ not to be confused with canoodling, is a must on a visit to Coober Pedy. It involves fossicking on the mullock heaps for opal the original miners missed. Mind you, canoodling under those vast Outback desert night skies has its appeal too – but I had no taker! We’d done all the other touristContinue reading “Anne McKenzie: Noodling”

Edie Eicas: The Coils of the Serpent

It was just after Christmas twenty years ago and one of my friends was extolling the benefits of a small handheld electrical device that denuded the body of hair. Listening to her praise the virtues of the machine, and caught by her enthusiasm, I decided an investment might prove an advantage. Excited with my purchase,Continue reading “Edie Eicas: The Coils of the Serpent”

Robert Schmidt: It’s All Part of the Act

I welcome my guests at the entrance of the Burnside Ballroom for our Words, Wine and World Music event on the 10th November 2021. I sit down with them, fairly close to the stage. At about 6.55pm Sharon, Anne, Georgette and I go and sit on chairs on the left of the stage. I feelContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: It’s All Part of the Act”

Lawrie Stanford: Conversations with Mary—When the chips are down

I eyed the bowl of chips carefully and selected the smallest, crispiest chip. Hmmmm, I thought, just how I like them—the crunchy feel, the fluffy cooked potato, the tang of salt and the moist, smoothness of cooking oil. I dived in for another.  ‘When did you order them!’ Mary exclaimed, ‘You must have done itContinue reading “Lawrie Stanford: Conversations with Mary—When the chips are down”

Don Sinnott: Amateur car repairs, 1970s

Just a minor collision. A lady shopper reversing in the car park didn’t notice my wife, Wendy, driving past behind her. There was a crunch of deforming metal as her car’s rear end embedded itself in the passenger-side door of our car. The post-collision discussions lacked any heat—it was clear who was at fault andContinue reading “Don Sinnott: Amateur car repairs, 1970s”

Edie Eicas: Shared Memories

The 11th of February is my mother’s birth-day, and I realise there are memories that only she and I shared, and while I can still tell stories of our lives together, her input is no-longer available to me. In 1987 I was pregnant, and my eldest was crawling. Busy getting dinner ready for a party,Continue reading “Edie Eicas: Shared Memories”

Lawrie Stanford: Timeless Tales Told in Verse—The Pirate

I went down to the pub one day, at the bar there was a pirate— at least he had the gear I’d say, so I asked him, had he hired it. ‘Oi’m a pirate, aye me ‘earty, that oi be—aye, well and truly, oi’m not dress’d up for no party, oi be a pirate—quite unruly.’Continue reading “Lawrie Stanford: Timeless Tales Told in Verse—The Pirate”

Robert Schmidt: My Mask Day Blues

Jane and I drove to South Terrace to pick up an admission form for St Andrews hospital where Jane was to have a medical procedure. After hastily parking my Suzuki, I walk towards the entrance of the hospital. While walking, I fiddle in my jacket pocket for my mask. My mobile phone must have wrappedContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: My Mask Day Blues”

Lawrie Stanford: Saintly Deeds

It was a long time ago, back in university days. There were long hours in the Barr Smith Library and frequent attempts to break the drudgery of study. It was time for another coffee. I left the library passing Mary, my steady friend who had a more disciplined approach to study. I knew she wouldn’tContinue reading “Lawrie Stanford: Saintly Deeds”

Robert Schmidt: The Friendly Reminder

Normally I pay my bills on the day I receive an account. I have a perfect credit rating. My wife and I have a Home Care package from the government, which pays for certain work in our house. Mind you, not $10,000 for a fancy bed for my wife that we were talked into buyingContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: The Friendly Reminder”

Don Sinnott: Murphy’s Law

Of course he was familiar with Murphy’s Law: ‘If anything can go wrong, it will.’ And its corollary, ‘If something can go wrong in multiple ways, it will go wrong in the worst possible way.’ Brett found these thoughts unsettling as he ruefully surveyed his crumpled car. Both Murphy’s law and its corollary seemed toContinue reading “Don Sinnott: Murphy’s Law”

Anne McKenzie: Unbelievable

It’s a balmy evening the first night of our week in Port Elliott and it’s time for a beach walk. Denise and I cross the road from the unit where we are staying and head down the cliff. To reach the beach we have to first follow a narrow sloping dirt path, then go downContinue reading “Anne McKenzie: Unbelievable”

Robert Schmidt: Remember Me

I was sharing a pot of tea with my wife Jane at the Utzi Cafe in the Burnside Village ̶ next thing a former friend, well I think I’ll call him that, from my evenings at the Wildwood Gallery in Grenfell Street, comes up to the table. Wildwood Gallery had art on display but wasContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: Remember Me”

Anne McKenzie: On The Bus

‘The Department is a bus about to set out on a long journey, and I’m driving’, says our new Chief Executive Officer. We’re at mandatory leadership training for Supervisors and Managers—for middle management. She’s been with us for about two weeks and this is the first time we’ve met her. ‘Let me put this simply’,Continue reading “Anne McKenzie: On The Bus”

Nell Holland – The Book Launch

She was dressed completely in black leather. Black blouse open at the neck and a short, tight jacket straining at the bust. An equally tight mini skirt struggled to control her stomach, and the spike-heeled boots were thigh high. From behind, she appeared a young woman with red tresses falling below her shoulders. Then sheContinue reading “Nell Holland – The Book Launch”

Robert Schmidt: Last Cab Off the Rank

I saw my urologist, Dr Wells, late on the day of my horrible flow test. ’You still have 800mls in your bladder,’ he informs me. ‘If I were you, I’d be rolling around on the floor.’ Charming, I think. Surgery was set for the 12th September. Admission at 5.00pm? Everyone says to me the surgeryContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: Last Cab Off the Rank”

Robert Schmidt: The COVID-19 Adventure – Part 2

On Monday evening arrive home from the Royal Adelaide Hospital by taxi with our masks on. Take mine off in a hurry. ‘Going to be a long seventy-two hours Jane,’ I sigh. Suspend walking with my friends and social activities. No one can actually come inside our home. Self isolation you know. Fortunately we haveContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: The COVID-19 Adventure – Part 2”

Robert Schmidt: The COVID-19 Adventure – Part 1

My wife Jane has been feeling unwell for a few weeks. Her symptoms became flu-like in recent days. We both have had our vaccinations. Her doctor yesterday suggested she have a COVID-19 test. ‘I’ll get the results almost instantly,’ she says to me. We decide to get a taxi to the Royal Adelaide Hospital straightaway.Continue reading “Robert Schmidt: The COVID-19 Adventure – Part 1”

Robert Schmidt: Your Call Is Important To Us

Recently I was required to have a blood test. I have several questions to ask over the phone before having it. There is a 1300 number you can ring. I dial the number. It rings a while, and then a recorded message cuts in, ‘Your call is important to us. We will be with youContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: Your Call Is Important To Us”

Robert Schmidt: The Flow Test

Two weeks ago I had a flow study and a bladder scan. The tests identify how well you empty your bladder. A few weeks earlier a CT scan of my bladder and only kidney, had identified a problem down below. On the day of the flow I drink a litre of water in the hourContinue reading “Robert Schmidt: The Flow Test”

Lawrie Stanford: For Alvar, Aged 5

I’d hate to be a snake— when I’m trying to escape, I’d worry about my tail, left far back on the trail.   Sticking out there to be nabbed, far too easy to be grabbed, even if I’m ’round a bend, it’d be my sorry end! I’d hate to be a cow,  I’ll tell youContinue reading “Lawrie Stanford: For Alvar, Aged 5”

Nell Holland: Double-Decker Day

The double decker buses of my childhood were the only mode of transport my family used on a regular basis as we didn’t own a car, and neither did anyone else I knew My favourite position on those red Midland buses, was upstairs, sitting right at the front where the wide windows gave an elevatedContinue reading “Nell Holland: Double-Decker Day”

Lawrie Stanford: Timeless Tales Retold in Verse – On the Farm

Dad took us up to Angie’s farm to visit his older sister. He said we’d likely stay four weeks, it’d been a while and he missed her.   We were greeted there with bad news, ‘Feathers’ the fowl had just expired. No more cluck-cluck or peck-peck’n, she was old and had grown so tired.  Continue reading “Lawrie Stanford: Timeless Tales Retold in Verse – On the Farm”

Nell Holland: Dee Time

She wasn’t the best nurse in our student year, but she was the one we all wanted to copy for style. Dee would have been more at home on Carnaby Street than the world of a hospital training school. It was 1962 and with her geometric hairstyle fitting under her nurse’s cap like a polishedContinue reading “Nell Holland: Dee Time”

Lawrie Stanford: I’m a Corona-Conspiracy Theorist

Sitting at my desk this afternoon it became clear where the coronavirus came from. As my vacant gaze drifted across the desk, the design on a box of tissues forced itself into my consciousness. The origin of the coronavirus was revealed! It was in fact trumpeted by the perpetrators—Kimberly Clark the producers of Kleenex tissues! Continue reading “Lawrie Stanford: I’m a Corona-Conspiracy Theorist”

Edie Eicas: Gardening Tales – Parts 3 and 4

Murder Another year and I still hadn’t learnt about scraps composting through the garden. The pumpkin seeds had generated again, and another group of vines spread through the front. At first it was water conservation and I ignored them but, with finding the first Butternut, a new plan emerged. I began watering in earnest. TheContinue reading “Edie Eicas: Gardening Tales – Parts 3 and 4”

Lawrie Stanford: Stranger Danger

The officer was polite but firm while her male companion had a look that was more firm than polite.  The female officer was the first to speak.  ‘Sir, you’ve heard of stranger-danger, haven’t you?’ Earlier, I arrived home late from work, a little before 7pm.  As I walked through the front door, I could hearContinue reading “Lawrie Stanford: Stranger Danger”

Edie Eicas: Gardening Tales – Parts 1 and 2

The Garden I like to think of myself as a perma-culturist, a euphemism for a haphazard gardener. I’m the kind of person that if I eat something with seeds inside, I save the seeds. I’ve had peaches, nectarines, pomegranates, tomatoes, cucumber, peppers the list goes on. But, like any fertilized seed, what you get isContinue reading “Edie Eicas: Gardening Tales – Parts 1 and 2”