On an aimless stroll down Rundle Mall one Sunday, I come across it—the Apple Store.
Yes! I thought, I can sort out that confounded iCloud issue on my phone! So I enter.
Looking around, I see a crowded hall and cheerful Apple consultants chatting to customers. In the crowd, there was a consultant waving at me.
Great! I approach him and he greets me with, ‘Hi, how can I help?’
So I explain. ‘I attempted to register my double-vaccination certificate on the Frequent Flyer website. The site insisted that I access the certificate through iCloud. Now, while I have an iCloud account, I don’t use it…’
‘Can I show you how?’ the consultant interjects.
‘No thanks, in fact, I don’t want to use it, and with great difficulty, I worked out how to post the certificate without using it. Thing is, because the website directed me to iCloud, my phone registered that I wanted the damn App. Now it persistently interrupts my phone use by asking me to update the Terms and Conditions for iCloud.’
‘Yes, I understand.’
‘OK, but my question is, how can I stop my phone from asking me to agree to the new iCloud Terms and Conditions?’
‘Agree to them,’ the consultant glibly replies.
‘Well maybe, but I open the Terms and Conditions, and get the choice to “Agree” or “Disagree.” Naturally, I “Disagree.” After all, I don’t want to use iCloud. Also, I don’t want to read through 21 pages of legalese to find out if, on reflection, I do “Agree.”’ My consultant knits his brow at this, but I plough on. ‘However, when I “Disagree” the Terms and Conditions go away. But, on a regular basis, a message box pops up, saying “To use iCloud on this iPhone you must accept the Terms & Conditions.” To get rid of the message, I then have to go through the rigmarole I have described. So, again, how can I stop my phone from asking me to agree to the new iCloud Terms and Conditions?’
‘Just agree,’ the consultant repeated.
‘But I don’t know if I agree. Moreover, I don’t want to find out if I do agree and I don’t want to be asked to agree.’
‘But it’s a condition for using the App,’ and he adds, ‘without agreeing you can’t use iCloud on your phone.’
I now wonder if this guy is listening and reply, ‘I d-o n-o-t w-a-n-t to use iCloud.’
‘Ah,’ he replied eagerly, seeming to have just made an important discovery and explained, ‘but the Terms and Conditions have changed. You are being asked to agree to the new Terms and Conditions.’
Now I think he is grasping at straws. ‘Look,’ I reply, ‘I just want to stop my phone asking me to agree to the iCloud Terms and Conditions. So, how can I do that?’
‘Just agree, and it’ll go away.’
‘But I don’t agree. I don’t need to agree. I don’t want to agree.’
Running out of responses, he says, ‘But you can only agree.’
‘But there is a “Disagree” button, so why won’t Apple take the hint and leave me alone?’
Lost for answers, he says ‘You can only agree.’
‘Then why is there a “Disagree” button?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know,’ he says, then adds, ‘I think you are being silly.’
‘I beg your pardon; did you just say I’m silly?’
‘Yes, well at least, I think you are being silly.’
‘I’m sorry but I don’t think I’m silly, Apple is dictating terms to me and is acting like a bully!’
‘That’s the way it is,’ he says.
To end this torture, I say, ‘We will have to disagree then,’ and turn to walk out of the store.
As I leave, I hear him call out, ‘Thank you sir, have a good day!’
Not much bloody chance I think to myself—with you as the apple of my ire.
Burnside Writers Group 